Into the Wild Parody
by AviRay
Summary: Follow Rusty as he goes to join ThunderClan, the party animal rednecks.
1. Chapter 1

It was night. ThunderClan and RiverClan circled each other, yelling and cursing at them. Sadly, Frostfur's kit sneaked out to watch the battle, so they learned many new bad words. Then, after an hour, then the dancing competition began.

Some big chinned muscly dude named Tigerclaw was doing the Jive while Oakheart was doing the Rumba. Tigerclaw said in between his dancing:

"Oakheart! How dare you drink Champagne and eat your fancy cheeses on our rocks! WE need it to drink Bud Light and eat steak there!". Oakheart laughed. "Ha! You Thunderclanners are so uncivilized! Champagne is WAY better the beer!". Tigerclaw growled and was about to pull out his knife to murder Oakheart, when he heard a she cat scream "My nails!".

Tigerclaw kicking Oakheart, and ran to Mousefur, who had a pound of make up on and painted red claws. One of them was ripped out. Tigerclaw dashed in front of Mousefur and yowled "Run, Mousefur! Run away and never return!". She did so, crying about how her nails were ruined.

Tigerclaw turned back to the RiverClan tom who cut off a nail, and belly danced. The unknown tom screeched "My eyes!" and ran away. Some other clanmates of his tried to help, but they passed out from Tigerclaw's belly dancing. The kits were scarred too.

Eventually, Redtail punched Tigerclaw in the face, saying "We need to retreat! RiverClan is doing the Cha Cha!". "Really?" Tigerclaw sighed. But, he left anyways, pointing at Redtail and dragged he thumb along his neck(Since when did cats have thumbs?).

 **MEANWHILE...**

A blue she cat was sitting down, along with a tortoiseshell she cat. Most of the ThunderClan warriors were passed out due to Tigerclaw's belly dancing. Also, Thornkit called Tigerclaw a word I really wish not to repeat. His mother, Frostfur, slapped him.

Anyways, after about an eon, Bluestar finally said "So, has Mousefur finally stopped crying about her nails?".

Spottedleaf nodded. "I had the drug her to sleep to get her to zip it." she confessed. Bluestar sighed and looked up at the stars again. "I really wish some prophecy would come out of nowhere to tell us what to do.". Spottedleaf nodded, but then a shooting star shoot across the sky. Then, Spottedleaf received a phone call.

"StarClan?! Oh okay.". Spottedleaf put away her phone and said the Bluestar "StarClan me a prophecy. It say Donald Trump will save the clan.".

Another phone call. "Oh". Spottedleaf put her phone away again and said "Sorry. I meant, fire alone will save the clan.".

Bluestar gasped. What does it mean?

 **Hope ya'll liked it. I wanted to try my hand and something like this. Please review to tell me how it was!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Sorry about this being so long overdue. I've had a hard time getting motivated. Enjoy!**

It was dark. Rusty made sure to disturb every leaf on the forest floor. As luck would have it have it, he stumbled upon an old deaf mouse. He slowly lowered himself down, and laid out little bits of cheese.

The old mouse followed the cheese, but then he remembered to put in his hearing aids. Once the mouse did, he heard Justin Bieber music being played. He squeaked in blind panic and ran off.

Rusty woke up, and his owner was blasting the blasted music on the speakers. Rusty threw his food bowl at his owner, and in response, his owner gave her cat the middle finger. The orange kitten decided to leave the house so his ears don't bleed.

He leaped onto the fence, where a fat black and white cat was eating 12 boxes of donuts.

"Hey, Rusty." the tom greeted. "Hi Smudge." Rusty said back.

"So, how about that date?" Smudge asked, getting in Rusty's face.

Rusty sighed and replied "For the last time, Smudge, I'm straight as a pole!".

Smudge balled his eyes out for thirty minutes, before pulling out another box of jelly doughnuts. "Oh, and by way," Smudge continued when Rusty looked into the forest, "I wouldn't go in there if I were you. I heard from Henry that they bathe in blood, and they can eat a car!".

Rusty rolled his eyes and muttered "Smudge, Henry is an old fat guy that sits around and eats Cheetos all day and smokes Crack!.". "Not true!" Smudge argued, "Henry told me that once, he caught a robin while he was smoking LSD!".

"Are you sure Henry wasn't seeing things?" Rusty grunted, before walking over to the woodland.

Once there, Rusty came across a mouse. He did a he did in his dreams, but then he heard rustling. The mouse ran off, and Rusty saw a fox tail. Who could it be? Swiper, Foxy, Honest John?

Then, Rusty felt a big lump crash into him. Rusty struggled and the black shape clawed his cheek. Then, it was distracted, because of a notification on Twitter. Rusty saw his opportunity, and kicked the shape off. He ran to his house, but stopped when he saw a tree right in front of him.

The lump slammed into him, and said "Hey there! I'm Graypaw, and I'm part of a racist, nudist cat cult!".

"Uh... hi?" stammered Rusty.

Then a blue she cat and some big, golden guy with with a lion's mane.

"Yo, Graypaw, why are you here?" the lion looking guy meowed "I hope you weren't buying candy from strangers.".

"No sir! I only found this kittypet!".

"'Sup" Rusty greeted.

The blue she cat glared at him and murmured "I've been stalking you.".

Rusty shivered.

"I saw that you were hunting prey here. Around these parts, that deserves some serious punishment!".

Rusty gulped in nervousness. What would they do?


	3. Chapter 3

The blue gray she cat glared at him, before saying "We need more warriors. Do you want to drink beer, eat steak, smoke cigars, and fight your neighbors?".

Rusty perked up. "Yes please!" he meowed eagerly.

"Good. I'm Bluestar. I'll be your new dictator.".

The three cats walked away, and Rusty walked back over to his house, eager to try his first beer, even though he was just six moons old.

 **THE NEXT DAY...**

Rusty jumped onto the fence. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and Henry was smoking a joint of Marijuana. Smudge jumped up beside Rusty, and said "Rusty, do you want to go on a lunch date?".

Rusty shook his head. "Sorry Smudge" he replied "I'm about to join a gang.". Smudge froze, before saying "You can't go! I love you, Rusty!".

Rusty said "I'm sorry Smudge. I hope you can find a boyfriend someday.". Justin Bieber appeared out of nowhere and started singing "Boyfriend". Smudge clasped his paws over his ears, which gave Rusty the opportunity to escape.

Rusty dashed to the woods, and bumped into Lionheart. "Hey Lionheart!" Rusty panted.

The lion like tom grabbed Rusty and shoved him into a burlap sack.

When they arrived, Lionheart dumped him in the middle of the clearing. Rusty looked around, and saw many cats sneer at him.

"Bluestar!" a brown tabby snarled "You can't be serious! This is a kittypet!".

Bluestar replied "Yeah, I know, Longtail. But he defeated Graypaw, and he can kick your butt!".

Longtail whipped his tail that was a whip, and growled "I'd like to see the little twerp try!".

"You gonna take that?" Lionheart whispered to him. Rusty launched himself at the tabby. Longtail managed to rip off his collar, but Firepaw pinned him down with his weight.

Bluestar jumped down, and announced "That's enough. He'll been Firepaw, for he looks like fire.".

Just then, some black cat screamed and burst through the wall, leaving a trail of urine behind him.

"Guys! Redtail is dead!". The black cat then passed out.


	4. Chapter 4

A big chinned guy walked through the tunnel, carrying a coffin. "What happened?!" Bluestar cried, because her work husband was dead.

The dark brown tabby set the coffin down, and opened it up, revealing a tortoiseshell tom with a red tail. The clan gasped.

"Redtail was murdered by Oakheart after he did the Electric Worm, so I killed him.".

Bluestar nodded, before going to cry in her den that her actual husband was dead.

The clan took tufts of Redtail's fur as souvenirs. Graypaw came back to Firepaw after grabbing a chunk of fur from Redtail's flank. "Sandpaw, Dustpaw, and Brindleface will be sad." Graypaw mused.

"Who are they?" Firepaw asked.

"Well," Graypaw began "Sandpaw is Redtail's kid. He lets her have all the sugar she wants, and refuses to supervise her. Dustpaw is Redtail's padawan, and Sandpaw's boyfriend. Brindleface is Redtail's wife, and Sandpaw's mom.".

"Oh.".

Lionheart approached Firepaw, and said "Here is what we give each apprentice when they become one.".

Lionheart handed Firepaw a bottle of Bud Light, an eight inch knife, a first aid kit, eighty dollars, and a pan of brownies baked fresh by Speckletail.

"Sweet!" Firepaw cheered, gulping down his first beer in three sips. Graypaw handed him another one, before Bluestar called for a meeting.

"Tonight, we will mourn the loss of our deputy. Oh, and by the way, Lionheart is the new deputy.".

"Poor Redtail. At least he'll be in StarClan." Graypaw sighed.

"What's StarClan?" Firepaw asked.

"StarClan is where you go when you're good after you die." Graypaw explained.

"Where do you go when you're bad?" Firepaw asked.

"Don't worry about it. This is only the first series.".

Graypaw then grabbed Firepaw by the paw, and dragged him over to the apprentices' den, which was a nice dorm with bedrooms for each apprentice.

Sandpaw stepped out of her bedroom, and scoffed.

"Like, ew! Is that a kittypet?".

Graypaw rolled his eyes and and meowed "That's Sandpaw. I think she's on her period.".

Sandpaw stuck her tounge at Graypaw, before going back to her bedroom to watch The Voice.

Graypaw padded into the kitchen to grab a beer, before showing Firepaw his bedroom. It was quite nice, actually. It had a king sized bed, a T.V., and his own bathroom.

"Good night." Graypaw meowed to Firepaw.

"Good night." Firepaw meowed back. He fell asleep dreaming of how hot Sandpaw was, with her luxurious pale ginger fur, her striking green eyes, and how she sings like an angel.


	5. Chapter 5

The next day, Firepaw and Graypaw were out training with Lionheart and Tigerclaw, who Graypaw nicknamed "Mufasa" and "Sharptogue".

Anyways, Firepaw was being shown the territory, with Tigerclaw doing all the talking.

"Over here is Sunningrocks. We fight pointlessly with RiverClan, who love fish, swimming, and cocaine.".

"Here is the Owl Tree. Friend Owl lives here and tells Bambi, Thumper, and Flower sob stories of his love life.".

"This is Fourtrees. The four clans meet up here, swap stories, and smoke Marijuana. Remember, this is the only night we can drink together in peace.".

"Why?" Firepaw asked "Wouldn't it be better if we all just got together and sing sappy songs?".

Everyone stared at him, shocked looks on their faces. Lionheart began to explain: "Well, we would all steal each other's drugs and alcohol, and we would fight over pretty women and handsome men.".

"Oh.".

They moved on, and Firepaw was shown the Thunderpath. Firepaw sniffed the air, before wrinkling his nose. The air smelled like elephant farts mixed with smoke!

Then, and ice cream trunk zoomed by, with kids chasing after it. Tigerclaw flicked an ear. "I'll never understand twolegs. I enjoy steak way more than ice cream.".

"Let's go back to camp. Firepaw must be tired, since he's a kittypet." Lionheart suggested. Firepaw growled at the part about himself, but was whacked on the back of the head with a slab of stale beef by Tigerclaw.

Lionheart got his super duper teleportation thingy, and pushed the blue button. They immediately arrived by the camp entrance, and walked in.

Dustpaw and Sandpaw looked up, before Sandpaw sneered "Was it scary being away from you're twolegs, Rusty?".

Dustpaw laughed hysterically, before Firepaw threw a beer bottle at him. The broken glass pierced his skin, and he went crying to Spottedleaf.

Sandpaw glared at the ginger protagonist, beofore going to see if Dustpaw was alright. Graypaw laughed and pulled an obese vole from the fresh kill pile.

Firepaw grabbed himself a squirrel, and the two friends settled down and ate their dinner.

"How are you getting on?" Graypaw asked with his mouth full.

"I LOVE IT!" Firepaw yowled, causing every cat to stare in his direction. Firepaw slapped a paw over his mouth, and lay down again.

"Good." Graypaw meowed, scarfing down his food. Firepaw suddenly saw a hot tortoiseshell she cat, and Firepaw's eyes became hearts.

'Forget Sandpaw! That one's way better!' Firepaw thought, tying to run toward the tortoiseshell.

Graypaw looked at him, alarmed, and slapped his friend.

"No, Firepaw. Spottedleaf is off limits. She can't have kits.". Graypaw scolded him, pulling Firepaw away from Spottedleaf.

Firepaw sighed. They would have to date in secret then.


	6. Chapter 6

**Two moons later...**

Firepaw was out on his first solo hunting mission. He was trotting merrily in the bushes and singing _It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood_ , when he heard a growl behind him.

Our protagonist whipped his head around to see two yellow eyes glaring at him. Firepaw freaked out and gave the eyes the middle finger.

Suddenly, the owner of the yellow eyes leaped out of the bushes, bowling over the apprentice and pinning him down.

Firepaw looked up at his attacker, and saw a ragged grey she cat with yellow teeth that had never been brushed, and scars littering her pelt.

The she cat laughed manically, and sang "Chop him up, fry him up. Eat him up, nom nom!".

As she sang, Firepaw caught a whiff of her breath, which carried the odor of raw sewage mixed with burnt hair. Disgusted, he kicked the she cat in the stomach, and the old cat scratched his cheek.

After a buncha fighting that would be to boring to describe, Firepaw pinned the old cat, growling "You're on our turf. Get out, or I'll feed my friend Graypaw beans and make him fart on you!".

"I ain't scared of no idle threat!" she hissed.

"Well then, you asked for it.".

Firepaw called over Graypaw, and shoved thirteen whole cans of beans down his throat. Suddenly, the gray apprentice's stomach growled, and he shot up into the air, fueled by farts.

"Ack! That's disgustin'!" the old gray cat hissed as the cloud overcame her.

"That's what you get for intruding on our territory!" Firepaw replied smugly. "Now get off!".

"Who'll make me? I don't got nothing left to live for.".

Suddenly, Firepaw noticed that the cat looked starving.

"Hey, want me to get you some food? I'm totally sure I won't get in trouble!".

The gray cat was about to roll her eyes, but Firepaw already dashed off into the bushes.

Firepaw looked around and crept forward, but his heard a squeak from under him and felt something warm and squishy beneath his paws. He stepped back and saw the he had accidentally stepped on a rabbit.

"Well, that sure was easy!" the ginger tom said to himself, dragging the rabbit back over.

Firepaw pushed the rabbit over to the gray cat, meowing "Here you-", but was stopped mid sentence when the gray cat ripped into here meal, eating it's intestines and devouring every last bit.

"Thanks for the meal, kiddo." the cat croaked, before a patrol of ThunderClan warriors arrived, with Bluestar in the lead.

"Oh no..." Firepaw muttered.

"I would love to hear an explanation." Bluestar said in a sickly sweet voice.


	7. Chapter 7

**I know I haven't made a new chapter in forever, and I'm sorry. So please read and enjoy!**

Firepaw looked from each cats back to Yellowfang. Bluestar wore a sinister grin, probably waiting for him to explain. Darkstripe was smirking in satisfaction, the piece of utter cat garbage. Graypaw simply was appalled. And Willowpelt was bored, probably because she wasn't banging any toms.

Oh, and Yellowfang looked defiant too.

Finally, the young apprentice worked up the nerve to explain.

"Bluestar, I found this cat on the edge of the woods." He began, "She was starving and dirty and probably hungry."

Bluestar then took a look at her, and said, "Oh yeah, she's the medicine cat of ShadowClan."

"How the hell did you forget that?!"

Bluestar shrugged, an action that is impossible by cats' nature, before taking off, the patrol, Yellowfang, and Firepaw in tow. Graypaw sidled up to his friend.

"That was stupid." he simply said.

Surprisingly, Firepaw wasn't offended, and he simply groaned in reply, "I know... Is Bluestar gonna exile me?"

"What, no! You'll probably be punished, but that's not exile worthy!"

Firepaw breathed a sigh of relief.

"Good, good. 'Cause I don't wanna go back to my twoleg's nest and eat rabbit droppings and be a practice dummy for kissing boys!"

"Wait what?"

"What?"

The rest of the trip contained awkward silence. When they finally arrived, they were greeted with outrage.

"Bluestar, that's a ShadowClan cat!" Smallear protested, his almost microscopic ears flattened in disapproval.

"She'll eat the babies!" Frostfur wailed, hugging her children closer. The kits squirmed and coughed, almost being choked to death with how tight their mother was squeezing them.

"She'll stink up the place and then ShadowClan'll romp into camp singing battle songs!" Longtail protested, his whip-like tail furled tightly around his paws.

Bluestar roared like lion to make them quiet down, which they did. Then, she leaped onto the highrock and began to explain, gesturing for Firepaw and Yellowfang to sit in the center of the now gathered crowd.

"Okay, so we found out on our border patrol that ShadowClan drove out WindClan 'cause ShadowClan's evil n' stuff. We know this because we found no scent markers on the border, and the territory smelled of ShadowClan."

Bluestar then looked down at the old hag and orange millennial below the highrock as the cats gasped, shocked that the clan of the moors was driven out.

"And then, we followed a ShadowClan scent into our territory, and found Firepaw feeding Yellowfang."

At this, the cats growled, glaring at Firepaw, who looked sheepish and ashamed.

"So, since Yellowfang's a medicine cat and Brokenstar is awful, we'll let her stay. However, Firepaw will have to care for her; feeding her, getting her water, playing cards with her, and changing her wet bedding."

Firepaw wrinkled his nose at that, but otherwise didn't say anything. Bluestar smiled at him. She didn't expect him to take the news without protest, so this meant he was certainly future leader material!

"Okay, class dismissed." Bluestar ended, before doing a back flip off the giant rock and shattering her skull.


End file.
